Four years after leaving my job






Four years ago today I put my notice in and left my big job.  Below is the blog I wrote in February 2009 when I had just done it.  It was fascinating to me to read it again so here it is: why I did it and what I thought at the time.  And at the bottom are my thoughts on what has happened to my life since then.

February 14th 2009.  I have done it now. I have put my notice in. I have no job to go to and no immediate plans to find one. What kind of idiot puts their notice in during a recession? I am surrounded by people at work worrying about redundancy and I know some people who have already been made redundant and who are coping with the knocked sideways shock of it all. I feel almost guilty for walking away from a job in these circumstances but I am doing so, and it is not even a job I hate.

Work has been a huge part of my life for the last twenty years or so. When my first marriage failed I had to earn some money so I was pushed back into the world of work when my children were quite small. I remember vividly going into Manchester for an interview, wearing my pre-children work clothes, feeling like a child dressing up, and finding that walking along the pavement in my high heels with no push chair in front of me felt strangely naked and vulnerable, as if my children were my protection. But work was a help, a structure for the day, scaffolding which supported me when my foundations were still shaky, something I was good at. I vowed then that I would never be financially dependent on anyone ever again.

As my children got older I worked harder and longer. I married again and my husband was massively supportive, taking over vast swathes of home life along with his own job so I could work away and climb the ladder. I have had a lot from work: purpose, expertise, clout, money, intellectual challenge and great company. It has been my own thing where I have been nobody's daughter, wife or mother, just me, operating on my ability, sometimes high on adrenalin, making my mark. Sometimes it has made me sick, with worry or literally, and often it has made me guilty, especially when my children were younger and nothing was ever enough, either at work or at home. But it has been, with my family, the focus of my energy for a very long time.

I am still not 100% sure I am doing the right thing in walking away. The process of re-evaluation though has been going on a long time, since 2004 in fact. In that year my elder daughter discovered that she had an ovarian growth. She was twenty four, young, beautiful, in love, living in London and doing a ferociously low paid job that she loved. She needed an operation and I was in the midst of the last push to the highest aspiration in my job. I wanted to be with her so I jumped off the conveyor belt, took some unpaid leave and, when I went back, resolved to cut down the frantic travelling and the sixty/seventy hour weeks that had been my norm. She was fine, her lump was benign and the time with her was precious. I cut down to four days and the following year we moved to Wales to fulfil a long held wish to live out of the city.

We had only been here for about three weeks when I became ill myself. Life was turned upside down. This too was an ovarian growth. I wasn't sure I would survive.  When after six months or so I emerged shakily on the other side I had the profound sense of having been given a tap on the shoulder: "Hey, you, weren't you f***ing listening the last time?" Not rational, I know, I know.

So I reduced my hours to half time, determined to find the time to do other things, to garden and write and spend time with my much loved parents while they are healthy and energetic enough for the time to be a pleasure for us all, not waiting until they are crumbling and so am I.

And I have done other things. I have made the very beginnings of trying to create a garden out of hill and stone and rough grass, scratching so much at the surface that it would barely be visible to anyone but me. I have started to learn Welsh but am still not even in the foothills, just trundling along the approach road. I have devoted a day a week to looking after my grandson, now nearly three, not always loving it as I have never been great with babies and very small children, but gradually finding real satisfaction in slowing my pace right down, sitting on the floor, playing the same games and reading the same stories and knowing that this is special for him.

But it is hard to do a job which is a 100% job with a determination to give it only 50% of one's time. It has become harder and harder to feel that I am doing a first rate job and that matters to me. I have swung from allowing it to take over and to begin to eat up my time and energy again and pushing back fiercely, knowing that I will not be true to myself if I don't spend time on non-work things, doing them properly with just as much commitment as any job. When I leave my hillside I rarely want to go, however good it is when I get there, and in fact if it weren't for staying with my younger daughter when I am in London it would sometimes be nearly intolerable to leave. Seeing her gives me a personal reward for being away from home and stopping doing that will be a real loss in stopping work.

So I am going to stop. What will I do? I don't know yet. Some more of the same: gardening, yoga, Welsh, family. Something new: I am to be treasurer of the Blackden Trust, a blog in itself. Something else.

Sometimes you just have to hold your nose and jump in.

Dear God, I hope it will be ok.


So was it ok?  Yes it was and it is.  In many ways rereading this was odd.  It feels like another world, another life, that life where the demands of work were always hammering on my door, shaking me by the shoulder, whispering urgently at me in the middle of the night.  I have become so very used to a life where my days are not entirely spoken for by paid work.  I am not sure I could do that again: knowing that all the hours between 8 and 6 and more were committed to a job.  I am used to my autonomy now.

And what have I been doing with all this time?  Well I have indeed done all the things I thought I would do: gardening, yoga, Welsh and family and the Blackden Trust.  I had one long year off as I had promised myself when I did just as I pleased and that stands out as a golden, glowing year, like an old postcard with a gold deckled edge.  What I had not foreseen was how much the demands of family would change.  I hadn't expected that my father in law would come to live with us, with all the associated satisfactions and constraints.  I had no idea when I talked about spending time with my parents "while they are healthy and energetic enough for the time to be a pleasure for us all" that within a couple of years my father's health would have started to fail and my energetic and workaholic brother would have been put in a wheelchair by a massive stroke.  How easy it is to take for granted that the way things are is the way they will always be.  So the necessary time for family has expanded hugely and at least I have been able to do what I want to do without work walling me in.

So am I glad I did it?  Absolutely.  Am I happy with my choice?  You betcha!  Do I feel to have acres and miles and yards of time running through my hands like silk?  No I don't.   But it is good to be reminded that I had the courage to make a change when I needed to and that the life I am living is the life I have chosen.  We are working  this year on weaving more bright threads of fun and escape into the hard wearing tweed of daily life.  We are going to London and Austria and to see the wildflowers of the macair on South Uist in the Isles of the Hebridees and I am going with a friend to learn how to build dry stone walls in Snowdonia.  I am enjoying spending time with my family, despite the sadness that accompanies the illhealth of people you love, although I suspect I will always wish I could do more.  So it is not entirely what I expected but it is good.  This is life.  This is me.  Yes, right choice.

Comments

  1. It's always interesting to look back on things and see how they've actually panned out against how we thought they might. I'm quite envious of you actually as I'd love to be able to step off the treadmill which seems to be going faster and faster but at the moment I have to keep running as being on my own there is no financial alternative. One day .....

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    1. What I have found interesting is that while I certainly stepped off the treadmill I am in no way less busy or even frantic. I just have more control over it and when it does seem unduly frantic I can walk up the hill or round the field and slow it all down. Oh and I get up later now which suits me very well!

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  2. I know when I handed in my notice in 2000 down in Berkshire and sold my house with nowhere to love to, no school lined up for the boys and no job people thought I was mad but my instincts told me it was the right thing to do and it was 100 times over. The boys would have had a different childhood with a mother working long hours and commuting while they went from one childminder and after school club to another. I truly beleive they wouldnt have had the same opportunities as they have here, they grew up exploring the hills with freedom and security. My job whilst more demanding involves hardly any commuting and Ihave a good work life balance and we are close to my parents.

    I think that sometimes you just have to listen to your instincts and ignore your sensible head.

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    1. You are so right Helen. Sometimes you just have to listen to the bit of yourself which might not be entirely rational but needs to be heard. Glad your choice worked out so well for you.

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  3. A lovely review, coming to exactly the right conclusion! May you have many long years ahead of you to continue feeling that you did the right thing.

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    1. Thank you Rachel. You did your own leap into the unknown too I know and look how well that turned out for you! Sometimes keeping on is the best thing to do and sometimes stopping keeping on is the answer. The trick is to know which is which!

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  4. One of my favourite mottos is 'Leap and the net will appear' ... the leaping certainly seems to have worked for you, and hopefully there's a net there should you ever need it.

    I used to build dry stone walls with the British Trust for Conservation Volunteers ... you'll have a ball :)

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    1. I love "Leap and the net will appear"! I did, it did. Well we seem to be able to live off staggeringly less money anyway!

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  5. Well done. Brilliant. It seems you did exactly the right thing at exactly the right time - as if you were not so much withdrawing as positioning yourself for the next phase.

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    1. That is odd isn't it? I needed to be more free to do what I had to do with my time but I had no idea when I left how vital that would become.

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  6. I did the same thing 25 years ago and haven't regretted it once even though it was financial suicide. But, like you, I did get my life back before it was too late.

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    1. But the financial suicide thing is odd isn't it? I would never have believed that the money could matter as little as it seems to. I know I am lucky to be married so the financial problems are shared but we have both reduced our working hours hugely and yet we are still here! and as you say, with rather more life!

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  7. I love reading your blog, always interesting and thoughtful.So glad you are enjoying life even with the problems families some times throw at you.

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    1. The enjoying life bit is not always entirely straightforward when things go wrong for people you love but it's important I think find ways of taking pleasure in things and not to allow yourself to be overwhelmed. If you are you are no use to anyone!

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  8. Great post and must agree with you: I retired (early) six years ago at the end of March and bought myself a Corgi! I enjoy my life, love the Corgi and never looked back!
    Life is to be lived fully! Grab it with both hands and go for it!

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    1. So glad your choices worked out well for you. I agree. Sometimes we have to make a decision instead of letting life carry us along!

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  9. I was travelling all over the country, and occasionally in Europe, but my life was not my own. When I gave it up there were about two days when I thought.. 'what now?'. We decided to finish some work on the cottage we lived in, and sell it. Then three years of house hunting until we moved down here. And now the house and garden restoration starts all over again. I have never been busier, but now it's under our control. I may no longer be able to go out and buy whatever I want on impulse but I've also never been happier.

    My mother is down here too now, not living with us but in a care home as her problems are quite severe. But do I regret the choice I made? No. Life is too short. I want to enjoy it while I still have the chance. I'm so glad it's the same for you.

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    1. I identify very strongly with the idea that your life was not your own. It is an odd thing to feel when you are doing a job you enjoy and have chosen but somehow mine had taken over all my time and energy. I am sure I made the right decision but it was not an easy one!

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  10. Since there is no coincidence,it was meant to happen...that I read your post at the moment when I'm about to jump...to leave my job I've done for eighteen years and turn a brandnew page in my life.it's always encouraging to hear someone tell how good it was after all.Thank you for sharing your experience <3

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    1. Good luck with the next stage of life for you! It's exciting as well as nerve wracking!

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  11. What a wonderful pair of posts! I liked how you revisited the big decision and reflected upon it. That golden postcard simile was gorgeous, and I enjoyed seeing these snapshots of your life, with its ups and downs. Yes, it is a balancing act as a woman trying to work and be there for our family too. What is often lost is creative time for yourself, which you have clearly found now. It isn't necessarily the right or wrong choice in an objective sense, but the choice that fits you the best. I chose to work part time around the school schedule so that I could be there for my children. My careers haven't been lucrative, but my life is rich in other ways.

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    1. Creative time for myself was something I very much wanted and I am not sure even now that I have it or that I use it properly. The one certain thing is that I have the potential to do things now that simply weren't feasible before.

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  12. Wow. So very prescient! I have announced to everyone but the folks at work that 13 June is my last day. No back up yet. And I worry a bit every day. Thanks for sharing your story. It's good to hear about your courage.

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    1. Fascinating how many people are on the verge of something similar or have made the same decision themselves recently. Very best of luck. If you feel it is the right thing to do then it is, whatever happens as it works itself out!

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  13. Your post is quite the testimony to stepping off the fast track. When you made your decision, it was the perfect time for you.
    Congratulations to listening to your inner voice. Please visit me sometime.

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    1. Thank you. It was right for me but everyone has to find their own moment I suppose! I loved the fast track when I was on it and love it even more now that I am not.

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  14. What a beautiful post. And one I needed to hear and read, right now.

    You see, I was like you. I had a job I loved. Then my boss retired and laid me off. Fortunately, my husband had a job so I didn't have to go back to work right away. But I was totally bereft. I spent the next ten years (!) yes ten years, from 1996 to 2006, trying to sort myself and my life out. My marriage nearly ended; my parents' health declined; my husband's sister (whom I loved dearly) turned on me like a striking snake; until finally my health began to break down too. I fell and broke my arm, then came down with shingles, before having to sue a dead-beat renter to get him out of my mother's house so it could be sold.

    But somehow we got through it all, though I wouldn't say we were unscathed. But I suppose God has a plan for us, even when we can't see what it is. For now, I am happy to have a bit of peace and to stay home. So I am glad things are working out for you. May your joys and peace increase with every passing day.

    Much love to you, Carol

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    1. So useful for me to read. I'm thinking about taking this step, but I have many hesitations. Partly about losing the salary, although we could do without not too painfully. It's more the change of identity I worry about and that the step seems quite irreversible -- getting a job in academe again -- a decent one, without moving, would be very unlikely. Yet I have no fear at all of being bored, having so many things I love to do, people to be with, all getting rather short shrift right now. It's very helpful to know how well your decision worked for you --- I'll be pondering . . .

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    2. I am glad you have found yourself happy to be where you are now CC. It isn't always instant but you sound to have got there!

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    3. Mater I certainly had many reservations. It took me about two years to move from considering doing this to actually doing it and it was the loss of identity I worried about most. Maybe it is the result of having spent quite so long developing my identity but I didn't find it at the problem I thought it would be. I am not saying I don't from time to time have to shake myself up a bit and make sure I have things to occupy the mind as well as the body but I seem to be perhaps even more strongly myself now somehow.

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  15. I have enjoyed learning of your life and your decisions. You inspire me. I find in some ways, your life reminds me somewhat of my own life. One being, never being financially dependent on anyone but myself. It was the best direction change of my life, even though it was born out of personal tragedy. In time it propelled me into a responsibility that has not been a disappointment.

    I love to read your word, story . . . your analogy . . . musings and reflection. There is a sense of parable I find each time I visit . . . I find I can't wait to visit you again.

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    1. Thank you Lynne. What a lovely comment. Like you I was propelled into financial independence but I doubt that my life would have been so interesting if I had not needed to work quite so hard. You lose something but gain something else perhaps!

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  16. Excellent post - and bang on, you were absolutely right. But then I would say that - I walked away from full-time employment an amazing seventeen years ago. Can't quite believe that I've been a freelancer for that long, or that I did my 'farewell to London media' downshift over ten years ago. I was very young for such a step at the time, really, but boy has it been worth it... So glad you've reached the same conclusion!

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    1. Ah I thought you had walked to same road, although as you say quite a while before I did. There is a risk in doing something like this but you and others all seem to demonstrate that those who do are so very glad they did!

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  17. We did it eleven years ago and have never looked back. Lovely to find out more about you!

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    1. Changing things is sometimes the only thing to do. Glad it worked out so well for you too.

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  18. How time has flown. I remember you giving up your job. So glad it has all worked out. Perhaps you had to do it. One of the first posts of yours that I read described you frantically trying to explain to colleagues in London why you needed to arrive home to catch just the few minutes of remaining daylight and how precious that was to you. That was after you had moved, obviously. So many changes we are pitched into. I guess the thing is never to look back. Which is what you are doing here - but what you have gained is far more than you have lost, so that is all right. Good luck to you Elizabeth! Have fun.

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    1. Funny that you remember the post about the importance of getting home to have some daylight! I remember how acutely it mattered. That must have been part of what propelled me out of work and into this life here.

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  19. Congratulations on your 4 years :)

    I don't think I've met anyone who's made the same decision as we have who has lived to regret it. Perhaps it's because so much thought is needed before the decision is made.

    We spend so much of our lives thinking of the reasons why not to do things. Once you start thinking of the reasons why, the decision becomes much easier.

    It's 5 years, 3 months and 8 days for me :)

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    1. That's quite a long while now Michelle! I was much helped by having been brought up rather closer to a sense of my own mortality than I would have liked. It lingers still. I think that is a good thing...

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  20. As always, your reflective writing on the ebb and flow of life and of moving on is inspirational and life-affirming. It takes courage to leave behind a secure career, which has probably defined much of who we are over the years. The variables you mention, such as health and family demands, which we don't anticipate and can't control can be challenging. And, in case we become too serious about it all and about ourselves, enjoy the fun you've planned :)

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    1. I am very much looking forward to the fun Liz! We have all sorts of things lined up so it should be a busy year.

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  21. I loved reading this post. Changing a lifestyle is such a huge thing to do and finding a new identity after having a job title/roles/responsibilities/sense that this is me, is such a big part of this. I'm pleased to read that you can reflect on everything and, despite the difficulties, be content.

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    1. I wondered whether you had done a similar thing Wendy? Would love to know!

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  22. This post has appeared at just the right time for me, I thank you.
    My eldest son was here from Norway last Friday having come over for his Professor's funeral. He came to stay the night, and informed us that he is throwing in his high position to return to Scotland and write. He has had success with his poetry ever since he was a teenager, but now wants to fulfil his long held ambitions of writing full time. His wife is supporting him which shows that she knows how important it is to him.

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    1. What a huge step for him Rosemary! And yet it must be right to really give yourself the time and space to write if that is your passion. I hope you will let us know how it goes for him and his wife. Very best of luck to them both!

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  23. This is good that you could change the way you lead your life – many people cannot. It must have been a hard decision but you knew what was right for you and I applaud you for having had the courage to do it and be happy.

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    1. Thank you! I know how lucky I am to have a husband who was ready and able to support me in whatever I did, financially and otherwise. Funnily enough, although that was a luxury, the thought of losing my financial independence was a big issue for me beforehand. It has seemed pretty irrelevant since as we are definitely living our life up here as a team!

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  24. Four years - I remember that post and your courage, and my wondering if I could do it. I also remember one of your posts on the old PC, sent from your Blackberry as you were stranded on a train - so long ago. I will work one more year and then leave April 1st 2014. It is a bit scary, but having the end of a contract on which to focus is helpful. Work has been, to me, everything you've described - and in bad times it has been solace. It sounds like you left at the right time - the past four years are testament to that.

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    1. I know the question of work has been a big issue for you too Pondside. Best of luck as you go forward with whatever you do!

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  25. Well, as they say, no one stands at the pearly gates wishing they'd spent more time in the office.

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    1. Or kept the house cleaner, or spent more time on paperwork!

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  26. Love this. I think I may be going through the same, it was work work work, but the tide has turned and family are coming first again.
    I think admitting you need to change is the hardest, as something you can feel you have failed.
    Great entry and so glad I'm following your blog.

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    1. Thank you Andrew. I am very interested by how many people responding here have similar questions and decisions. When you are in the midst of making the choice you can feel very alone, surrounded by colleagues who all clearly intend to keep on running. This shows that many others are facing the same questions, even if they are not talking about them at work!

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  27. Elizabeth I love this blog post - decisions are hard to make when you don't know how the future will turn out and it's only when you look back, you breathe a sigh of relief. Your trips to London, Austria and the Isles of Hebrides look exciting. I absolutely love wild flowers and plants - what a fantastic holiday to look forward to.

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    1. I am hugely looking forward to going to South Uist. It is something I have wanted to do for years!

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  28. Beautifully put - sounds as if you have got your priorities right. I know how hard it is to make a drastic change in life. I gave up a very well-paid, rewarding but incredibly challenging job 6 years ago without clear ideas of what I was going to do. So glad I did. I doubt that I'd be lucky enough to have my lovely daughter if I'd carried on commuting/working/living at quite the same pace.

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    1. I do know what you mean. Sometimes you are working and living so hard that your body struggles to do it all!

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  29. the flowers on Uist - I look forward to seeing that!

    It is daunting to realise that it is almost 20 years since we returned from Switzerland, for the third time. I wanted a year or two off, but somehow, I never did go back to work. The last interview I went to was working on the website for the Botanical Society - didn't get it, out of my depth. Now I spend hours a day, writing and reading blogs. Weird, how the circle closes! And how the days are just as busy, but the 24/7 shifts flexibly.

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    1. My days are stupidly busy sometimes but I do relish the fact that I can just decide to walk around the garden for half an hour, or read a good blog for a few minutes without guilt!

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  30. Reading this wishing that time would go faster and that this too would be me! I have a stressful, fast-paced, reasonably senior job but unlike you I derive not a jot of satisfaction, fulfillment or sense of identity from it. In fact the longer I do it the more it robs me of my identity. Our second child is in first year of university, so I have to slog on for a bit to ensure enough money to get her through, but after that...Your post has given me hope that before too long I will also cast off the shackles.

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    1. Certainly if you feel that the job is shackles it sounds as if it would be good to make a change and at least you have a timescale in mind. Good luck with both keeping on and changing when you are ready!

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  31. Had not realized you were such a high flyer Elizabeth but you've obviously made some very good decisions and life is certainly not passing you by. (Snap decisions have often in actuality been mulled over, even as an aside or in dreams!) I absolutely loved this post - for sheer honesty and superlative narrative :)

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    1. This one was mulled over for a good couple of years. I spent many a night looking into the dark and wondering what I should do. Seems so clearly the right thing to do now that I can barely remember why I couldn't sleep but I can certainly remember that I couldn't.

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  32. Jumping in is the hardest part. Everything else just falls into place, I think. A lovely, thoughtful post and a satisfying conclusion.

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    1. Yes, you are right. There came a moment when the only thing to do was the equivalent of holding your nose and jumping into deep water!

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  33. I retired in Sept 2011 when we were offered our full health insurance to continue until age 65...I couldn't get the paperwork signed fast enough...I can now go to all the grandkids school functions and attend to ill relations and enjoy crafts and hobbies....life is good! I had reached the point of burn out and hubby was already retired for 3 years so we now enjoy doing things together and enjoy and appreciate life so much more!

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    1. You sound very content with the life you made! I am glad it worked so well for you.

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  34. Beautifully written and very life affirming. I love your determination to weave bright threads through the tweed, such a great way of putting it. I didn't choose to leave my high powered, stimulating job, ill health forced that on me, and I still miss the empowerment of being in such a stimulating environment and succeeding, certainly miss the ability to interact and manage such amazing people. Even so, I wouldn't go back, not now, and never to full time work if I could help it, although that is unlikely ever to be possible so I suppose that is just as well! There is a tremendous freedom in not working for anybody but myself, as and when I can, and something bizarrely empowering about having learnt to live and thrive on a small fraction of our previous income. Funny how choices - and non-choices - can lead you to new and wonderful experiences. And help you deal with the bittersweet.

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    1. I know just what you mean about the empowerment of learning to live well on not so much. I thought money might be a big issue but in fact it has been entirely unimportant. I would not have believed that could be so before I made the change!

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  36. I always worked until my youngest son was 3, and my husband and I decided that we'd all be better off with me at home. The breakneck pace slowed (although it's never really 'slow' with small children) and I enjoyed those days. I'm back at work now, getting Son#1 through university with Son#2 right behind on his heels, but I desperately miss the days that unrolled before me full of nothing more than the mild stress of managing two little boys and running my small household - jobs I truly enjoyed. Your comments about your parents' health struck a deep chord with me: we have to decide soon if we'll extend our time here in Seoul or move back to the US, and both of us have parents who are in great health - right now. So hard to know what is the right choice.

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  37. It is indeed hard. I would never have imagined that the ill health which has struck my family was around the corner when I stopped work. You can simply never know and I suppose just have to do what seems best at the time. Then if circumstances change, there are new decisions to be made. Best of luck, whatever you decide! You do seem to do a great job of making your time in Seoul a really positive experience. I love to read about it!

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  38. Your post has struck a cord with me....I am still working, traveling between two towns, and constantly talking about when I might retire. I feel the weight of so many depending on me. Your post may have given me the courage to take charge and let go of a career of 26 years. Thanks for the post.

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    1. HI Meggie. I hope you can work out what is right for you. Sometimes the trying to decide is far more difficult than the doing of it! Best of luck.

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  39. Dear Elizabeth,
    so it was a good decision, although turning out different from what you imagined (isn't that often so?) But you are able to be more your own boss, in a different way (there are always ties and commands that are unforeseen, through all life). I did a similar step four years ago - well, different in having the contract to get my old job back.
    Funny that coming to your blog brought another 'contact' with Wales: at the moment I am writing (a bit) about Brother Cadfael, and he is, as you will know better than I, a Welshman.

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    1. It was a good decision, yes. Glad I did it and wouldn't go back for the world!

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